OUR TOP TEN STUNNERS


Here they are, the Argus New Year list of Australia's Top Ten Bores. These are the public figures the very mention of whose names induces instant catatonia. Hear them hold forth and every syllable has the effect of a stun gun. A pity boring is not an Olympic sport. Australia would do very well indeed.

PHILLIP ADAMS
Advertising agent and radio windbag. Heads the list alphabetically but the nation's No. 1 Bore on any reckoning, the doyen of the species. Latterly less ubiquitous than when he was single-handedly setting up the local film industry or whatever he is supposed to have done.

JANE CARO
Advertising agent and all-purpose know-all with annoying accent.

JOHN CLARKE
Archetypical New Zealander now resident here. Believes himself a comedian. Known for his one-voice, one-silly-facial-expression-fits-all "impersonations" of politicians.

REV. TIM COSTELLO
Probably Australia's highest paid cleric. Tedious and utterly predictable pontificator on "social justice" from his executive suite at the charity World Vision.

MALCOLM FRASER
Ponderous and pompous ex-prime minister. Has never got over being an Eminent Person and sees himself as an international statesman. Much given to sententious utterances about how wrong the Liberal Party is compared to the days of his leadership. The only remotely interesting thing about his grey sludge-like persona is that he once lost his trousers in unexplained circumstances in an American hotel.

ROD QUANTOCK
Another soi-disant comedian. Tragically unfunny. Notorious as a climber-aboard every fashionable progressive bandwagon. His most celebrated role was as Cap'n Snooze in a commercial for beds.

GEOFFREY ROBERTSON
QC living in London. Known for his sui generis DIY "English" accent and his very selective advocacy of "human rights", especially dodgy cases (e.g. Julian Assange, who is not on this list because, whatever else he is, he is not a bore).

DICK SMITH
Electrical-goods salesman who has recycled himself as an (albeit unqualified) authority on social and environmental issues.

MARGARET THROSBY
Radio interviewer. The apotheosis of the suburban housewives' book club member with a taste for Culture.

GOUGH WHITLAM
Now a spent force but for years a consummate and veteran bore and the leader of a whole tribe of myrmidon bores, mainly in education, media, "the arts" and the republican movement, still moaning on about his thoroughly merited dismissal nearly forty years ago and endeavouring to maintain their increasingly geriatric rage.

Do you agree with our selection? Like to nominate someone yourself? Christine Milne, Don Watson, Geraldine Doogue, the Dodson brothers? Please go ahead. There's a wealth of yawn-provoking talent out there, more than enough to turn the Top Ten into the Top Twenty.

22 January 2013

6 comments:

  1. In no particular order:

    Paul Kelly who drones and drones and writes newpaper columns of monumental insignificance except to the extent that they push the current ALP barrow, what ever it is this minute.

    Barry Cassidy - as for Kelly.

    Elizabeth Farrelly - the only interesting thing she's ever written was her hysterical account of her outrage induced by her brush with the working classes on a bikelane where they had no right to be in her inner-city yuppie heaven. She absolutely defines "pseud".

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  2. I thought that Simon Crean would be an absolute certainty to retain the political title, but I am having second thoughts, as Doug Cameron is mounting a strong challenge.

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  3. I presume J Gillard was excluded on technical grounds. I cannot decide if I am compelled to turn her off because of the message or delivery. Her capacity to be wrong and misleading on everything is terribly boring.

    Adams of course must be included but Mike Carlton deserves honourable mention. Paul A.

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  4. It is unfair to compare Ms. Gillard with other MP's as the position of PM provides her with abundant media opportunities to bore us witless. Not so the lowly backbencher or minister who must take advantage of each and every 10 second grab.
    The main redeeming feature of Phillip Adams, which is uncommon in most journalists, is that when he asks a queston of an expert on LNL, he at least lets them answer it.

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    Replies
    1. I have found Adams answers his own questions and by time he gets back to interviewee I always wonder if they will still be there.

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